Music truly calms my soul. As I sit here in Wayne State's student center, watching all these trashy, ratty, unintelligent people, I start to get a little angry. They are all so loud, rude, and annoying. I find it hard to believe adults act this way. But, as soon as I slip on these headphones and play some music, things get better. Life would not be as fulfilling if I didn't have the access to music the way I do. Music is largely life.

True fucking story.

It's been a while... and I see the blog world is dying a slow death. I suppose I can revive my end of it though. Starting this week I'll be back. I need a relief. Should be a treat, Tricks. And we all like treats... don't we?

To put it plainly, I am so fucking sad right now. I hate him, but at the same time... I can't. I love him too much. I have cried every freaking day and it is taking a lot out of me. I just want him to love me... the right way. And he doesn't. Go figure. For some reason I feel like the tears just won't be enough.

So it's been another year. And for that I am most happy for. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to make it to another birthday. So many times I can say I might have not deserved it, but he forgiven me and allowed me more time. And for that, I am thankful. What have I learned this past year?? That people are never what they seem, friends can sometimes be even more evil than your so-called enemies, that you find bonds in the strangest places, and that if you loose yourself there is a chance you will never recover. There has been some really hard lessons, but I can only say that I guess I have been made stronger. At least I hope so...

I am lonely.

The saddest thing in life is being in a room full of people and still be lonely.

Loneliness is one of those things that is all too consuming. You can't shake it. It isn't easily defeated. It literally is a full on physical control over your mind. Meaning, your external problem is creating an even larger internal dilemma. I've had so many people around me who really have never had my best interest at heart. And being around them for so long has just caused the loneliness to grow. It's sad really. I never expected to be so weak, so fragile and easily controlled by such a pathetic emotion. Yet, here I am. Waiting on the day that it all changes. Maybe I shouldn't wait. Maybe I should do something, anything, to bring about some change.

But how do you do such a thing when the very essence of loneliness depends on someone else?

It's funny the things you truly see when you finally take the time to notice. Things that are so obviously hidden it is surprising that you hadn't found them earlier. As of recently, I have truly seen the true aura of those around me and to some extent I have been insanely disappointed. But sometimes these things are to be expected...as my co-worker would say, so it goes...

Rather Short Entry...

The hardest thing to do is move on from something you would rather hold. As difficult as this may be, there are always lessons in every decision that we make. Being able to let go is a sign of strength, ultimately reigning in our undying emotions.

Being capable of emotion is one of human beings greatest gifts and most fatal flaws. They allow for the greatest joy & pain that no other being can experience in access. And that in itself is a gift. A gift that it took me so long to appreciate.

Appreciate life's gifts because it gives less than you would expect...

Beauty In Walking Away...

So it is actually another gorgeous day out and I refuse to spend another moment of it sad. To be honest, I brushed my pride aside and relayed my feelings with no response. Of course I felt like an idiot & slightly weak. But on the other hand, I was strong enough to express my feelings and that in itself is enough for me. I didn't run from how I felt, I was willing to fight, and I was honest. That has to count for something. So as far as I am concerned, I made the step. Obviously he isn't willing to. Fine with me. It hurts, but I will move along gracefully. I am a good woman who deserves a good man... no games. And I need someone who is willing to weather the storm, not give up on me. So on that note... one chapter ends and another begins. And what better way to do that than on such a beautiful day. So, though my heart hurts now... it will heal. It always does...

I believe wholeheartedly that most good women simply want to be loved, appreciated, and respected. I am no different. There are truly times where I only want to know that someone misses me. This is one of those times. My heart aches to know if I am being missed... or was I just a past memory to be tucked away? I wonder if he feels the same empty feeling that I do... probably not. And if not, why? Am I not worth the emotion? I can only feel that I have been a good woman. I have given what I could, though I am flawed. There is beauty in my flaws, beauty that should be deemed worthy for missing. But I can't shake the feeling that this is one-sided... that life is undoubtedly going on in his world, while mine is at a sudden stand still. How did my feelings become so strong? I promised to keep them to myself and reserve the love I always gave to others for my self esteem in hopes that it would one day recover. But all I have received in return is another blow to my already battered & bruised ego. A blow that I only welcomed because of hopes for love, appreciation, and respect. Blows that led me no closer to believing that he misses me the way that I miss him. Blows that remind me everyday why I never wanted to open my heart again because with each passing night I feel less missed...

To be loved...

Is embracing one's flaws a true sign of love? Or is this action sometimes mistaken in hopes that what we have is worth all the trouble. Love is the one significant action that defies all other humanistic emotions & behavior. How can one decipher rather or not they are ready when the mind rarely has a say and it is the heart that chooses? Clearly this causes a dilemma? One that I have yet to find an answer to. What gives the heart the right to invade the limits and boundaries of common sense? Making us do things selflessly, without regard, and sadly beyond all facets of reality. Why is love so ideal? Why are our fantasies crystal clear when reality seems so unsure? Unconditionally, I love the idea of love. Realistically, I love to be loved. Isn't that the main purpose?

Just to be loved?

Don't Lose Your Balance

I can't help but wonder why men have to be so difficult sometimes. Women are difficult by nature, so men have grown to expect this much. But when a man becomes too difficult in a relationship, it can get a little mind boggling for women. We expect men to be simple beings with very minimal needs, until of course we stumble across that one that changes our approach. Unfortunately, my relationship as of recently has been heading in an awkward direction. I feel that things were so simple from the beginning that we are finding it difficult to understand each other in more complicated times. *Sigh* I really don't know if relationships are going to be my strong point. And the sad part is that I hate being alone. Mentally, being myself never bothers me. But physically, I can't stand it. All I can do is hope that we can get back on track because I don't want to lose him when we can both stand to learn a thing or two about each other. Especially considering that we both have realized that we are a little more complicated than the other expected...